heart.felt.post.

okay. haven't posted in forever. just need to get some things down on {paper} for my own sake. i don't think anyone reads this anyways :o). and if you do, here is a look into my mind heart and soul.

have you ever felt like you don't even know who you are ? like you are going through a change in your life and the person that you are and you just can't define it ? thats me, right now. who am i ? i'm not sure. its summer, i should be happy, enjoying the weather and my life. am i taking things too seriously ? i need a friend, i need someone who can understand me and the things that i am going through right now, and i need her in this town. oh, and can she be married too so she understands the complexes of that subject as well ?

i have a really great friend here, she is from nd as well. but she is single and likes to party. don't get me wrong, i love to have a good time. but then you have to worry about how you are going to get home, and how much money you spent at the bar, and what your husband is doing and is the dog okay being left home that long (which apparently not because i got groceries after work tonight and found a wet spot on the rug... grrr!). is this part of growing up ?
i want to find another couple that is like us, preferablly someone from our church {but since we haven't been there in so long, that isn't exactly going to happen soon}, and someone who has relationship tools that we can put to use.

we are working on our "fighting" issue and how to do it "fairly". and it is WORK let me tell you. when you are pissed off at someone, the last thing you want to do is try to figure out to to "fight nicely" with them when you have just been doing it {the wrong} way for so long. i guess if i had to go through this much work with anyone, i'm glad its him.

and his family, they are just so different than what i'm used to. there is so much drama, no matter WHAT happens, there is drama. and it seems like everyone throws their iron in the fire to create that madness. i know its his family and i need to support them. i don't want to be the person who doesn't like their inlaws, but i'm learning quickly that boundaries must be laid and they must be stuck to at all times.

i MISS my family. i MISS my old life. its so hard to keep parts of your old in your new when you just aren't around them anymore and don't see those people as much. and my old friends, a few keep in touch, a select one keeps in touch really well--we talk every day, but most of them expect me to do the calling, the emailing, and the keeping in touch. so i really feel like its a one-sided friendship and i'm ready to just give up.

i think bottom line, i just really need god to send me a friend who "gets" me and is in somewhat of a similar situation or just someone who can shed some light on my situation and get me back to being positive. it seems like when you are surrounded by negativity, it just starts to eat at you and gradually take you over. i don't want to let that happen. i need to find happy things and surround myself with them.

hoping i find myself soon.

{a}